*Oh it was the first time i fell in love, the first time i felt my heart.*

It's very frustrating… to feel two different feelings at once.

It's also very frustrating when a friend asks you how you’re doing and when you try to explain, you can’t.

I’m tongue tied.

I don’t like being this emotional.

*i want...*

i want to feel okay. i want to feel important to you. i want to feel like you care about me as much as i care about you. i want to be right and not have you resent me for it. i want to to talk to you. i want to tell you everything and not be afraid of your judgement. i want to believe you. i want to trust you. i want to know where i stand. i want to laugh with you. i want to stop crying over you. i want to have great nights and better days. i want to listen. i want to be a part of your dreams. i want you to be a part of mine. i want to know you are interested. i want you to initiate conversation. i want you to choose me over someone else. i want to know you think about me. i want to feel special. i want to write and know you’ll read it. i want you to see. i want you to feel. i want you to know. i want to want you, and i want you to want me too. i just want to, okay?

*one day I decided to live without feelings*

I'm a lover so I must be a fighter. I get sad easily but I'm working on it. I hardly sleep and I always think too much, but I get all my shit done. I have a weakness for the bad boys, but I'm learning to look through their false promises and compliments. I don't let many people in anymore, but if they're in, they are or should be there forever. I know I can be strong and independent but I've been broken...many times. And I'm scared, that you could broke me again. That's the reason why I push even you away from me...

lyrics by me

*My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.*

*I hate to admit the fact, that u still have an effect on me*

"Love is such a strong word. When we were just little kids, we always thought love was just about hugs, kisses, & happiness. But as we grow, we learn that it’s not just about happiness, it’s also about learning to accept rejections, tears, & heartbreaks. That’s where I come to help you up, wipe those tears away, put your heart back to one when you’re hurt from love. & when I say, “I love you” you’d better believe that I mean that with every fiber of my being."

*I don’t think that we can ever be what we were.. you know? I just don’t think I can trust you*

These nights I get high just from breathing.
When I lie here with you...I’m sure that I’m real,
like that firework over the freeway.
I could stay here all day...
but that’s not how you feel.

*the things that keep us apart keep me alive....and the things that keep me alive keep me alone*

I was born to love no one
No one to love me
Only the wind in the long green grass
The frost in a broken tree.
I was made to love magic
All its wonder to know
But you all lost that magic
Many many years ago...

*...and we walked without words*

I know you don’t really read my letters,

The very thought of not knowing the exact location

Of the room where we shared our last kiss will eventually kill me,

‘Cause it wasn’t just any kiss.

It wasn't like a first kiss or a second kiss or a millionth kiss...

But it was a perfect kiss.

It was a kiss we had been working on forever.

*I told u not to fall in love with me*

I decided.. that I could go on being scared forever, that I could keep walking, that I could carry my rage around, hot and heavy in my chest forever. But maybe there was another way. You have everything you need, my mother had told me. And maybe all I needed was the courage to admit that what I needed was someone to lean on.

*this is the end beautiful friend*

*I want things to be more than okay. For you to say what you mean and mean it. I want this tension, this awkwardness to be gone.*

Stay mad as long as you can because once you`re not mad anymore, it hurts. It hurts like hell & once it hurts that bad, you can`t make yourself mad anymore.

*It's amazing how much pain a human heart can take*

I’m trying to find words to convince you to stay, trying to pick myself up but you’re getting away and I keep falling down. The words won’t come out. My tongue twists in circles, keeps them trapped in my mouth but I need the ocean or the sand or the high that I felt when you first held my hand. And honey, I just don’t feel right alone.

*I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind*

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do...

*keep telling myself that everything will be okay. even if I don’t believe it will…*

See my love is asleep on the floor
In a pose that's familiar
See my sun will just send you to war
If the battle don't kill you...

*a-z*

tagged by my love anda!

A
- Available: not any longer
- Animals: cute heffalumps...lumping along in my bed

B
-Beer: eeeeew...
- Birthday: august the 31st
- Best Friend: my ipod
- Body Part on opposite sex: I must say HAIR!
- Best feeling in the world: being loved by somebody you love even more back
- Best weather: sunny days in spring
- Been in Love: I think I was...but you can never be sure, how love really feels!
- Believe in Magic: ...In magical moments yes...
- Believe in Santa: santa's cool!

C
- Candy: I really hate this gummy stuff with sugar...eww...chocolate is my religion!
- Color: pastel colors...make me feel like a character in a sofia coppola movie!
- Chocolate/Vanilla: stupid question
- Chinese/Indian/Italian Food: all of them! it's all about the mix...but thai is my favourite
- Cake or pie: cake,pie,muffins,donuts,cookies....I don't care!as long as I get one of them NOW!
- Continent to visit: Europe and parts of the USA
- Cheese: danish and swiss cheese is the best! I really miss havarti!

D
- Day or Night: like kid cudi said: day n' night!
- Dancing in the rain: is very cleaning

E
- Eyes: blue
- Ever failed a class?: never
- First thoughts waking up: morning again?....oh no jogging!where's the gun?
- Food: my purpose in life, my love, my ruin!
- Goals: being happy with the things I have and will get
- Get along with your parents?: mommy and daddy forever!
H
- Hair Color: blond
- Happy?: at the moment...NO!
- Holiday: this summer I'm going to London with my sister...everything else will be decided spontaneously
- Ice Cream: hazelnut definitely!

J
- Jewelry: without my earrings(even if they're very small) I feel naked
- Job: please help me to find one...my money is on holidays....without me!

K
- Kids: don't really like them....but who knows!
- Kickboxing or karate: I prefer beating guys with my bag
- Keep a journal?: yes

L
- Love: Love combines "happiness" and "pain"...I love the first part...but hate the second!
- Letter: A,B,C I don't care...but I'd love to get a love letter!
- Laughed so hard you cried: love it!
- Milk flavor: eeew...hate milk!only with cereals I can tolerate it.
- Movies: have to be funny, romantic and artificial at the same time.
- McD’s or BK: NONE!

N
- Number: 1

O
- One wish: to get everything I long for

P
- Perfect Pizza: one with tons of vegetables on it
- Pepsi/Coke: coke! pepsi is just a cheap copy!...oh but LIGHT please!

R
- Reason to cry: disappointment
- Reality T.V.: the name of a course, I visit at university this semester
- Radio Station: my mind

S
- Song: right now everything that reminds me of summer and spring
- Shoe size: 38
- Salad Dressing: balsamico-vinegar
- Sushi: I could eat this every day
- Strawberries/Blueberries: ...or rasperries...love them in my breakfastgranola or with ice cream
T
- Tattoos?: I'd love to...but I'm scared, that I'd regret it later...
- Time for bed: when it's time for university
- Thunderstorms: romantic...when you're inside

U
- Unpredictable?: I know..

V
- Vacation spot(s): Denmark, London and Prague

W
- Weakness: self-criticism
- Who makes you laugh the most: my family
- Worst Weather?: freezing temperatures, rain and wind... in combination!

X
- X-Rays: never

Y
-Year it is now: 2010
-Yellow: submarine

Z
- Zoo animal: why the hell do I think of a llama?

*I wasn't born to lose u*

The guilty undertaker sighs,
The lonesome organ grinder cries,
The silver saxophones say I should refuse you.
The cracked bells and washed-out horns
Blow into my face with scorn,
But it’s not that way,
I wasn’t born to lose you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

*A new day is coming, the black night is almost through*

Can't you see that I'm free?
Like a bird in the sky,
Gonna watch you from a distance
Gotta watch you from way up high
Can't you see I'm in love?
That's where i learned to fly
I was young and it was easier
And now it's just a lie
My love sincere

*when you go, don't even think I'll make you try to stay*

why dont you understand this is never going to happen

im not going to make myself like you.
i dont want to like you.
the way you act makes me not even want to spend the time to get to know you.
this whole thing makes me really uncomftorable.
please stop.
like i said.
you know better.